Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I think weed is turning my hair brown
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