Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
