My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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