She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
