So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
