I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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