I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
