What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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