My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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