Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
