i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
