Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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