I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
