The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
