Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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