Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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