So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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