Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I have already put on my inside pants.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
