I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
