I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
