Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Randomize
