Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
