my sisters under your porch take her home
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
