based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
