It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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