Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
