i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
i think i just lost a toe
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
