May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Terrible idea I love it
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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