youre lurking in front of me
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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