Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
