Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(760): View more from California

Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby

Fav 10 2833 982
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(860): View more from Connecticut

The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.

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(216): View more from Ohio

She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.

Fav 65 3199 5709
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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.

Fav 17 4510 1459
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.

Fav 35 1524 4714
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(775): View more from Nevada

She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.

Fav 7 4048 964
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(387): View more from

It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.

Fav 0 11 42
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