She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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