What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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