Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
