Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
