Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
