I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
