Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
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