i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
