Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
