She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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