and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
