you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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