I need to stop coming to work sober
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
