All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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