I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
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Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
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bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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