Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
