I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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