How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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