Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
MIDGETS
????
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
