Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
