Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
