Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
