weddingsv make me drug and hornr
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
