I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
