I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
