There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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