ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
