This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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