awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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