you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
ttyl tear gas
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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