i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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