Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
